Girl, you are 100% that _________

I posted something on my Instagram today because I am having a #bossbabe kind of day where I am feeling the productivity and motivation. In fact, before 10am I had cleaned my home, vacuumed, let the dogs out, showered, eaten, and laid down for a 45min snoozer. I was feeling goooooood!

I was headed off to get my nails done and thinking about how my life has gone from daily anxiety attacks and depression suffocating me to now living in the positivity of the day. Sure I still have my moments but I really have seen a huge improvement in my quality of life. This is what I posted.

I could sit here and say my life is happy just because those are the cards that have been dealt to me but I would be lying. The past 8 months have actually been some of the hardest times I have faced. And if we were being honest I didn’t say those things to myself. Actually, my husband was the one saying it to me since the day we got married but these past 8 months I decided to believe him. I started speaking them over myself and laying down my insecurity, fear, and even pride in the mornings.

I have learned to declutter my life, holding onto the long lasting friendships and giving up the ones where it is clearly a one way. Getting rid of things in our house that we don’t need, cleaning out my closet, spending my money on things that will make memories and not just stuff, finding joy in the struggle, and reminding myself that I have no need.

I feel like a hippie if we are being honest. “Live in the moment, don’t worry about tomorrow, stop trying so hard, and what is meant to be will be” are phrases I find myself saying in stressful situations. If you met me you probably wouldn’t compare me to a hippie because I’m still pretty driven and not totally laid back but from where I was to now, I have felt a huge change.

It all started with how I spoke to myself. Positivity is a continual journey. It doesn’t just happen. The start is actually the hardest because you realize just how negative you can be and then you beat yourself down. Give yourself some grace. Allow yourself to make mistakes but then get back up and move forward.

Even now I catch myself saying “I used to be so fun and people wanted to hang out with me” but I combat that with “I am fun, people do want to hang out with me, I am outgoing, I am funny, and I am a source of joy”.

Growing up, my mom always taught us to be confident and because of that I have never really felt jealousy or deep insecurity about my appearance or who I am. Sure, every girl struggles a little but I wouldn’t say that it is something that holds me back. What I didn’t realize was the way I was talking to myself about my life was not positive which lead me to constantly being upset with every season I was in, even a winning season.

It took me a while to figure out why I was so unhappy. No amount of change was going to bring me joy. I was going to have to find joy in the present not in the what-if.

8 months later here I am, actually happy with less than I have ever had. I had heard it all the time, “love is a choice, joy is a choice” but I would get so frustrated because I didn’t know how to just choose it. It starts with the way to talk to yourself. Start there and see the other things in life fall into place.

He Provides

“God gives you your needs and your needs have been provided for” I kept telling myself. It was a broken record playing over and over again like one of those moments in your life that your brain for some reason wants to remind you of every single day. I felt like I was trying to convince myself that God had been faithful even though I am not going to lie, I definitely felt like He was holding back from me in that moment.

There was something I needed God to seriously intervene on and I just kept telling Him, “Okay God I know you will provide and I trust you.” But in reality what I meant was “WHERE IN THE FREAKING WORLD IS THIS THING I HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR FOR SO LONG?”

Now looking back I see just how entitled I was acting. My husband and I had just moved because we felt led by God, I changed Jobs, gave up luxuries, and I felt like it was God’s turn to give me this “need” I had been asking for since after all I gave up a lot for Him. I waited patiently. But I did snap.

Most of my honest conversations with God happen in my car. This particular morning I was sitting there crying and upset and I said this for the millionth time “God you say that you will provide for my needs and yet you’re not. I need this and it’s like you don’t even care.”

You see, we can measure our time here on earth. We do this by days and time but heaven can’t be measured because there is no end. It is for eternity. Since God resides in heaven which is not bound by time then why are we measuring God’s faithfulness and love on it? I actually don’t like the saying, “God’s timing is perfect” because God doesn’t work off of timing, he works off of His goodness and the opportunity that is best for his children. There I was sitting in my car just moments before work. It was 5:30am and I was a complete mess. It was his goodness and opportunity to answer my desperate prayer.

You hear it all the time and even sometimes preached from the pulpit, “God will provide your need. He will make sure you have food and water.” But how do you explain the children and the families starving to death and drinking water that gives them illnesses. How do you explain the people dying and being captured for their faith. How do you explain this. Truth is, we can’t. We know there is a devil that is here to kill, steal, and destroy but we don’t know why or how he chooses his victims. What we do know is that our treasure doesn’t lie in this world, but in heaven. and thank God for that because I don’t know about you but I think in heaven I would like to live a little better. This life compared to forever in heaven is such a short time.

I remember understanding this for the first time when my best friend passed away. I suddenly understood the brief time we have here. But even more importantly, I understood the eternity of Heaven. The pain that we experience on earth is no joke and I don’t want to belittle anyone’s hurt. Just remember “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians‬ ‭6:12‬)

The Holy Spirit reminded me that in the end the only thing I need in my life is Jesus. I was dumbfounded. He reminded me that If I didn’t have food, a roof over my head, friends, acceptance, provision, or anything that we see as a “need” it wouldn’t matter because at the end of our day the ONLY thing that matters is that we have Jesus and share Jesus in every season. Sure that might sound easy for me to say since I can honestly say I have never experienced those things, but when the Lord gets a hold of you, his words touch you to the core and his understanding is given to you in its fullness.

It was after this “ah ha” moment that suddenly the burden of my request that I was demanding God I needed, was lifted. Truth is, Jesus answered my prayer 2019 years ago on the cross. He provided my need. He paid my price. And he saved my soul.

This may not be the answer you wanted if you are pleading with the Lord over something you see as a need. I wish I could tell you that you are never going to struggle and that being a Christian will mean an abundance of finances, health, laughter, and ease. Accepting Jesus is easy. Following him in every season can be hard. But just remember that our treasures are in Heaven and our answer is always Jesus.

Turning Your “Work Brain” Off

As someone who enjoys working and being busy, this was hard for me to grasp. When I am in something I am full force, pedal to the metal, submerged. This can be good in moments when I need to be attentive or exude a lot of energy, but also a down fall. Continue reading “Turning Your “Work Brain” Off”