I am in a growth season right now in my relationship with God. He is stretching me in ways that I didn’t even know I needed. I just came out of a season where I questioned God a lot. I was even pretty upset with Him. I felt as though I had spent a long time trying to force some type of rule or way to live my life so that God would listen to me, see me, and respond to me.
Because I felt like I wasn’t being heard, seen, or responded to, I felt that He didn’t love me. It was like His light had passed from me. Yet, there I was trying to do all the right things to somehow get His attention.
I sat in my car one morning and I gave up trying to prove to God that I was worthy. I decided that I was no longer going to do things to show God I loved Him. I decided I was simply just going to love Him, in whatever way that meant. No more scheduling out quiet time and putting on a timer for 30 minutes for worship. No more fancy words and check lists. No more desire of man’s recognition for my “perfect christian life”. No, this was between me and God and I was tired of feeling like our relationship was in a “perfect” box. (if you know me, then you know that I definitely don’t like to be put in a box)
I chose to search for Him even more than before. Not in a way that made me feel like I was simply checking something off my list, but in a way that was raw and true. I spoke, I listened, I read, and I worshiped. It was then that I actually met my Heavenly Father. He wasn’t wrapped up in fancy words and actions. No, in fact, I found him when I took off the mask I created to try to show Him how “good” I was. He was wrapped in truth, honesty, and the purest form of love. He spoke to me directly, not the better version of me that I was trying to become. The more honest and completely surrendered I was to him, the more I heard.
I found that I was becoming a better person. Not because of what I did, but because of what was being done within me. I was holding on to those whispers of truth and love. My actions changed because my heart was changing. It also took away the unbelievable pressure I was under to be “perfect” because I know that I am human and I will make mistakes, but as long as I am listening to God, I will be right where I need to be.
You hear it all the time in church, “God loves you no matter what”, and that is so true! But, it is not until you find yourself surrendered to Him that you understand the magnitude of that statement. “No matter what”. When I fail, when I fake it, when I am angry, when I ignore him. “No matter what”. When I follow, when I listen, when I love Him. “No matter what”.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39